Friday, April 06, 2007

...then comes marriage..then comes a baby in a baby carriage...

First of all, I'm not pregnant. :) Nor are we planning on getting pregnant for a while.

My thoughts right now, however, are on about having a baby. These are all stirred up because a friend of mine just texted me to announce that she will be having a baby boy in August. I think this is so exciting, and it's also one of those oh-my-goodness-I'm-actually-an-adult moments. I've known Malah (my friend who is pregnant) since I was in seventh grade. Last year, Steve and I went to her wedding, and now, almost a year later, she is expecting her first child. Malah is going to be a great mother.

The whole deal is that Malah isn't my only "before-college" friend who is having or already has had a kid. So many people who I have known since I was a kid are getting married and having kids. We're growing up! The people getting married part is not a big deal to me. I got married two years ago, and I thought it was an optimal time to get married. The having kids part is what freaks me out. I'm 22 (will be 23 in a week), and I feel like I'm too young to have kids. I'm too selfish to be a mother. And I wonder if I will ever be in some state of mind to have kids.

When Steve and I got married 2 years ago, we agreed that we would not try to have kids for about five years. I thought this was a great plan. This way we both could finish school, and then we would have about three years to enjoy each other with no school or kids. Well, we are now approaching upon two years of marriage, and I'm going to graduate from college next month. The question of what do I want to do with my life after college is a prevalent thought on my mind lately. I know for sure that I will start full-time with SAIC in June, and I will take a year off of school. I want to go to grad school. I want a Master's degree. But if I want to continue working full-time and go to school for a Master's degree,I will probably have to be in school for about three years. This will put Steve and me at the six year mark before we would probably start to have kids. Now, God may have a different plan for me (and there have been many times He had showed me that my plans suck and his are better). He may just decide that He wants us to have kids next year. The only birth control 100% effective is abstinence, and I'm sorry, I refuse to practice abstinence during marriage. :)

No one is telling us that we have to have kids at a certain time. We just have a plan, and sometime I think that maybe that plan is something I don't want. Maybe I don't want to have kids....

Then I see pics of my cousins' and friends' babies or read blogs of my pregnant friends. They are all so excited and are enjoying the whole experience of being pregnant and being a parent. It sounds like the experience is worth having, and this is when I feel a hint of baby-cravings. Then I remember that those blogs don't talk about the morning sickness or the aches and pains of pregnancy, and those pictures don't show the crying, dirty diapers, or sleepness nights. Overall though, knowing that these downsides of being a parent are there, my friends are still thrilled about being a parent.

I'm not really stressing about whether or not I want to have kids. I know that I don't need to make that decision RIGHT NOW. Plus, I have my thesis to stress me out right now. All my stress is reserved for thesis at this moment. I actually should probably be working on that rather than blogging about kids.

~Carmelita